"it is what it is" … i heard that quote on a lifetime movie months ago and thought it was so fitting for my life. i feel like i spend half my time lately being irritated by things. some of these things have gone on for years … so why do i still waste my time stressing over them and getting all worked up? why do i feel like i keep coming here to complain? why do i feel like every time i talk to a freind on the phone or email a friend … that i vent about these frustrations? it’s not getting me anywhere … and i’m sure my friends get tired of hearing it. so i’ve been thinking about it … and remembered this quote. and i realized … my life is what it is … and i have to learn to accept that.
my health … that’s a big one. yes, i have fibromyalgia … a chronic pain disease (meaning there is no cure). yes, it came out of no where about 16 months ago … i was totally fine before that. yes, i have all-over body pain 24/7 … muscles, tendons, joints. yes, it’s in my feet, my knees, my legs, my hands, my arms, my shoulders, my back, my chest … everywhere. yes, it’s some serious pain … as in it hurts to just move or even breathe. yes, i hurt all the time … and i mean ALL the time. yes, i have memory loss and lack of concentration. yes, i have sensitivities to light and noise at times … i get so overwhelmed when so much is going on at once. yes, some people just don’t see it on me … or understand just how bad it is. yes, i do think people forget that i have it. yes, i come off like i’m ok and like i’m holding it all together … i still do everything i used to do. yes, i do all that same stuff … i’m just in constant pain while i do it. yes, i suck it up and work through the pain … and that’s why some people do forget. yes, i don’t think some people realize just how much it takes out of me to do the stuff i do. yes, people don’t see me flat on the couch at night from being in so much pain … and it taking everything i have in me to get myself up and to bed. but you know what … "it is what it is".
my job … the one i’ve been doing for almost 6 years now. yes, it’s fun to spend time with all these kids and enjoy them. yes, they are funny and keep me entertained. yes, they frustrate me to no end at the same time. yes, i enjoy all our talks … i get some good stories and info out of them. yes, it’s a hard job. yes, it’s a dirty job … my house shows that. yes, it’s a big responsibility … taking care of and raising other people’s kids. yes, it’s tedious … day after day of the same diapers, bottles, sippy cups, lunches, etc. yes, it’s a lonely job sometimes … no adult interaction all day is hard. yes, it’s a thankless job. yes, i know parents really do appreciate me … but sometimes i don’t feel it so much. yes, it’s hard being trapped at home all day … while everyone is out doing their things. yes, i do feel taken advantage of at times … not intentionally, but still happens. yes, there’s not a whole lot i can do about that. yes, i’m at the beck and call of children and parents for about 11 hours a day … 5 days a week. yes, it’s stressful and draining and just plain exhausting. yes, i’m usually tired and cranky when it gets to the end of the day. yes, i often take that out on my own family. yes, at the end of the day i don’t want to be around kids asking me for stuff … and yet i have 2 kids of my own that i want and need to do things for. yes, i find myself sometimes just needing to escape and get away … and yet i’m leaving my own family who deserves to have my attention for part of the day too. yes, this is my job … and i’m certainly not going anywhere else anytime soon. yes, i have to accept that … and learn to be ok with it. and so … "it is what it is".
these are 2 of the biggest things in my life that i worry about … and stress about. and yet i can’t change either one. i can’t make my disease go away … so i have to learn to accept it and deal with it. i can’t change my job … not right now anyways. and i can’t change the stuff that comes with my job … so i have to accept that and deal with that. so i’m going to work on that. work on not complaining about it so much. i’m sure i’ll vent still … but hopefully not in such a depressing way.
after all … "my life is what it is". and i still have so much to be thankful for.
edited to add: i always feel the need after writing something like this to say once more that "i love all these kids". i may not love the job … but i love the kids. and i’m not one of those people who, because i’m not loving my job right now, does a half-ass job. i don’t. i take care of these kids in the best way i can just like all the other kids before them. and i do it all with love and plenty of attention.
i thought about deleting this post a while after i wrote it. but these are my thoughts … and i don’t want to feel like i have to censor them … just because i’m worried someone might read this and take it the wrong way. these are general thoughts … nothing defined to any particular moment or event or person. so i’m leaving my post here. but i am also closing the comments for this post. i appreciate all the supportive comments i have gotten when i have griped about things before … always makes me feel a little better to know it’s not just me and that i’m not alone. but i’m also not begging for sympathy or a pat on the back. so if you wanted to leave me a comment … just know that the thought would be totally appreciated … but totally not necessary on this one. just one of those days where you have to get it all out … free up your mind for more important stuff!
Laura Vegas 